I’m On a Diet, Kind Of
The “I will do anything to lose five pounds except eat less and exercise more” diet. I am trying to make a lifestyle change here people. It was easier to lose weight for spring break because there was an end in sight, but like the Bible says, man cannot live on 35 calorie bread, light mayo, and turkey, sandwiches alone.
Needless to say I have put on a few pounds since spring break. Some of my friends have been telling me that’s “comfort weight,” it’s natural to gain weight once you’re in a relationship. You’re so lucky, you don’t have to worry about what you look like anymore, he will always think you look beautiful. Bitch, puh-lease. It’s not like the second you’re Facebook official your jeans stop fitting. My relationship isn’t placing me in the “more to love” body shape category. That’s I-split-large-pizzas-and-ranch-with-one-person, weight. On second thought, give me a box of wine and a passive aggressive mindset and I am sure I could find a way for it to be my boyfriend’s fault. Maybe if you didn’t have so many female co-workers I wouldn’t crave cheese all the time.
I have tried the master cleanse. That lasted about thirty-six hours before I had phantom back pains and thought the red lobster, of the Red Lobster logo, was talking directly to me. I tried the cabbage soup diet. Only problem is I hate both cabbage and soup. Thought about P90X, until I remembered a girl in my sorority tried it and I walked in on her crying through her jumping jacks. I cry more than a newborn. Next.
Which brings me to where I am now, a motivational Pintrest board smartly named, “Shit I Will Pretend to Do.” That detox water made of lemons, cucumber, and mint leaves? I am basically second story beer bonging that shit. Shot of apple cider vinegar? You bet I throw back that crap every morning. Cosmo says girl on top? Not my favorite, I prefer to do as little as possible, but fine- if that means I can stop doing lunges around the lobby of my workplace, I can compromise. Also doing the “Burn 100 Calories” workout, where the caption is do this as a reason to shower. Aka it was made for me because I am always looking for a reason to shower. Almost didn’t Pin it though, the chick with the camel toe really threw me, so I just memorized it.
I have been losing weight though, but only because my third floor apartment doesn’t have air conditioning. I also have this pair of crazy crack whore squirrels who keep trying to break into my place, regardless of my attempts to hit them with my car.