27
Jan
Finding a Job vs. Finding a Boyfriend
I have ten dollars in my bank account, forty below the minimum of fifty ( 10 + 40 = 50, get it?). Chase Bank sends me low account balance text messages more often than guys who actually like me do. If I were to ever get another boyfriend he would go through my text messages and be like, “Who the hell is Chase as why is he texting you so much? Why are all of his texts after midnight?” To which I would say “It’s my bank account because you don’t pay for my shit and I like to grocery shop at night like celebrities do, damn it!”
Between applying for job positions I started making this list to determine if it would be easier to get a job or get a boyfriend. Because really, what is the difference between snagajob.com and match.com? I can’t decide which is worse, being unemployed or being single.
- Eight hour shift = a job , Five to twenty minute job = boyfriend, depending on how drunk he is. Point boyfriend.
- Employees wear name tags to prevent calling your boss the wrong name, call your boyfriend by another dudes name and you’re single. Point job.
- You can either spend eight hours a day on your feet or eight hours a day on your back. Point boyfriend.
- There are not days off in a relationship. Point job.
- Pretending to like your co-workers or pretending to like his friends. Tie.
- For a job you can make cash tips, from a boyfriend you get tips like “baby use both hands.” Point job.
- It’s easier to juggle two jobs than two boyfriends. Point job.
- Lunch break vs. dinner date. Point boyfriend.
- Holidays at work means a paid vacation, holidays with a boyfriend means a Christmas present you pretend to love- or breaking up. Point job.
- You have to reference every time you’ve been fired on job applications, you don’t have to tell a new boyfriend how many times you’ve been dumped. Point boyfriend (and if you do…just lie)
- Slutty clothes to job interview = unemployment, slutty clothes on a first date = you’re getting laid, but not a boyfriend. Tie.
- A job means being able to buy your own drinks, having a boyfriend means choosing not to. Point boyfriend.
- You can pick the radio station at work, change the radio station in the car and you’ll end up fighting about how you don’t trust his female friends. Point job.
- Spending your day answering phone calls, or spending your day staring at your phone waiting for him to text you. Tie.
- At work you’re assigned a position, with your boyfriend you get to decide- multiple ones. Point boyfriend.
- It takes an hour to fill out an application and an hour interview to apply for a job; it takes playing hard to get and consistent texting (without being clingy) to get a guy to talk to you for more than a week. Point job.
- Drinking at work is frowned upon, drinking on a date is encouraged. Point boyfriend.
- You have to wear an ugly gender neutral uniform for work, your boyfriend thinks you look hot in everything (and if he doesn’t then HE. SHOULD. LIE.) Point to good boyfriend.
- I wish I could just apply for a boyfriend, then again I rather receive a rejection “we found someone more qualified for this position” e-mail from an employer than a dude. Point job.
- If you’re sick for work you get the day off, if you’re sick with your boyfriend you have to watch Sports Center all day. Point job.
Final Tally:
Boyfriend = 8
Job = 9
Tie = 3
Looks like I will be spending my Friday night applying for jobs instead of at the bar, oh well, at least I don’t have to shower now.
