I hate clubs and any place that refers to itself as a lounge. The word lounge carries implications of oversized sweatshirts, Harry Potter weekend, and not wearing a bra. Instead you end up at a place where students pass out test strips to make sure your $16 rum and diet coke isn’t roofied. 

I hate the wordless music that already sounds like the ringing in your ears from leaving a concert. It literally sounds like an MRI. The songs that do have words are always mashed-up so you hear three songs at once. Although that keeps chicks from yelling “this is my song!” they all seem to know how to dance to the unpredictable noise, leaving me rocking back and forth wishing I brought my Margarita scented hand sanny to chung. (That’s actually a real thing at Bath & Body Works)

There is no pub menu. I should actually be thankful for that because I would drain my bank account ordering $25 mozerrela sticks and daring myself to do shots of ranch dressing. Which is a thing that I do when I have been drinking. 

Why do all the men have strange foreign accents that have no understood point of origin? Trust me I know my fucking accents, I used to watch a shit ton of those weird PBS mini series. What part of people’s brains are like, yes paying a $20 cover to sit in the corner of a basement and have my ears fucked by a 15-year-old with trendy facial hair, probably using an app on his iPhone to DJ, sounds like a really good time to me. My money’s on the same part that tells guys a blazer with jeans looks good. Bottle service is a sausage fest that attracks girls with fake eyelashes. So please, with all sincerity, keep leaning back in your semen covered u-shaped booth. For the record dress codes don’t keep ugly people out.

PS sparklers scare the shit out of me, you know the ones that shoot out of bottles carried around by girls with long brown hair that all look the same. I stepped on the end of a sparkler one once when I was little and the 4th of the July hasn’t been the same since.

A plus side to clubs I have found is they have very nice bathrooms. An immediate downside is it’s the only place with consistent lighting, so it’s packed with girls taking pictures of their outfits in the mirror.

I prefer bars that have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. (Who has red hair, two thumbs and is super jazzed about Anchorman 2? This bitch. *points at self*) Kidding about the books, although I am probably the only drunk girl that would steal books. In all actuality I am a more of a conversationalist. I like my beer in a bottle, not a frosted glass. 

Let me restate my original title about hating clubs. I actually hate drinking in groups of people in a public setting, and by group I mean anyone in addition to myself. I also hate duct taping my nipples for mesh dresses, attempting the infamous Pintrest smokey eye, and the side-boob-graze guys think is subtle, when you push past them to get a drink. 

It’s beginning to sound like I have a people problem and not just an alcohol / social interaction disorder. I’ll drink to that.

Don’t forget to message me you questions, receiving this gem kind of made my day. Keep ‘em coming!

I’ve been reading all of your posts, and I am learning so much about women. Are most women like you? Do they really wake up at 6 am to put on makeup and push up bras before I wake up? Am I just with the wrong girls? Because none of them ever do that for me. 

Oh goodness, where to begin with this one… I don’t know if you’re learning the right things about women by reading my blog to be honest. I make us sound like crazy, insincere, alcoholic bitches! Which we can be, when provoked.. you’ve been warned.

If most women are like me then there is not much hope for the future, if any. I would like to think that most women have part of me inside of them (I bet most men wish that too, but I a very different way), that sassy fuck the world bring it on I can solve any problem with a good friend and a strong drink point of view. 

I don’t know anyone who does that in the morning! No guy is worth that and any girl that does those things has serious self-esteem issues. I am totally fine with looking like a crack whore in the morning, as long as you are. So stick to the girls that wake up looking like meth addict raccoons and sound like a garbage disposal when you wake them up with an obnoxious alarm ringtones. Don’t get mad either if you wake up and they are still there, sometimes we need to linger for a second to justify our actions … or remember them. 

Why do women complain about relationships, when they’re not in them and claim that they hate relationships and want nothing to do with them, when in reality they’ve never been happier than when they’ve been in a relationship?

HAHA this is so great. I am THAT girl. Notice we only usually complain about relationships once they are over- or if we are drunk with our single friends and want to join in on ripping on guys because its fun. Honestly, part of it is jealousy. As Spice Girls “girl powery” independent self-sufficient as we can be, some part of us- I blame Disney movies- wants that stud to roll in on his motorcycle and save us from ourselves. We want to convince ourselves we are better off and happy on our own, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO WITHOUT YOU, kinds of things, and sometimes we actually are better off that way. The other part of it is most relationships do not end well. It takes FOREVER to forget how much it sucked after to be able to happily reminisce in a hammock with a long island about the good times. Or in spark notes version, the bitter tastes lasts longer than the sweet. Women, myself included, place such a high emphasis on finding “the one” and being loved that when it doesn’t work out we blame ourselves or just chalk it up to him being an asshole. When in reality its just a clash of personalities or beliefs or goals, thats a two person tango - and you were never an asshole. Its good for us to feel hurt, it shows how much we really cared. I don’t think any of that made sense, just let us ride our one woman emotional roller coasters. 

Hooking up is so much easier than dating. I don’t even know where to begin with a girl. I’m not so much afraid that she’ll say no, but more so that she’ll say yes. What do I do then? I’m awkward as shit when I like someone, and I also don’t even know what would make a good date. Advice? What would you like date-wise?

Well usually you begin with an introduction, or if you’re me you introduce yourself about ten times then ask the same two questions until you hop a fence or get kicked out of a bar. Asking her is half the battle, if she says yes then you’re in. Not in her pants but she’s opening up to you- THATS GOOD. Celebrate this victory but don’t get all cocky. Take initiative. There is nothing more annoying than a guy who asks you to “hang out” then has no ideas and makes you decide, its like um you’re the one who asked me… ? To not be awkward just get to know her as a friend, don’t put all that pressure on yourself to be smooth and make moves. Listen to her. GIRLS LIKE TO TALK. 

As previous mentioned I am not exactly the female norm, my kind of date would be like laser tag or really funny movie where I would be that one person that laughs too long or too loud. Do something competitive! That always guarantees conversation. A movie means you don’t talk, and sex scenes where you kind of steal glances to see how into it the other person is. Putt putt, a walk, a baseball game! something like ice cream. Inexpensive makes us feel good because YOU WILL pay. Sounds like middle school but those kids know their shit. Then you can move onto drinks or dinner. Starting with a setting that offers booze right of the bat makes her think you just want to fuck her, and chances are she already pregammed. 

Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right. This is the best I got. Best wishes pal, in a world with women like me you’re sure as hell gonna need it. Oh and women don’t pregame dates either- don’t take me too seriously, I don’t. 

1. I am never drinking again. Yes, I am. Give it five hours. What I mean to say is hopefully I will never make x mistakes I did last night. Yes, I will. Who am I kidding.

2. I didn’t eat, like, anything today. I actually ate an entire pizza, a box of cheese its, a bag of baby carrots, and the non crust parts of a plate of brownies- but I don’t want to be the fat friend. Lets all order salads and talk about Zumba.

3. You’re so much cuter than her! If you’re lucky, and like a Victoria’s Secret model, your ex’s new girl will always be less attractive than you, unless she too is a Victoria’s Secret model. Basically you always cross your fingers he down-grades, but don’t get your hopes up- you have a great personality, you’re really nice.

4. I am so tired- I was up all night. I wasn’t studying, but I want you to think I did. I actually sat on Facebook for six hours stalking random couple’s wedding pictures, tweeted complaints about freshman girls, drank a few red bulls, and watched four episodes of Make It or Break It (that I don’t even really like until I found out one of the actors is Austrailian in real life) then read my notes and decided there was no point in “studying” anymore.

5. I totally failed my exam. I got a B- tops. Unless I am sobbing uncontrollably, vomiting, and asking for a bottle of wine I totally kicked ass. I just want to come off as smarter than I actually am. Which I don’t get to do often- being in art school and all.

6. You look cute! It seriously took you three hours to get ready, I want to go out, I do not have time for you to go through all of that again. I will compliment you until I get you out the door.

7. I’ll pay you back, promise. You’re drunk, I’m drunk. Neither of us will remember. If I do I have no intention of reminding you.

8. BEAUTIFL GIRL hearts hearts hearts or Ohmygod you’re so pretty!!! comment comment comment. I feel bad, you keep commenting on my pictures but I haven’t returned the favor, or I want you to comment on mine so I’ll comment on yours. Or I hooked up with someone you like and am sucking up to you. Whomp.

9. I love running! No one loves working out except Matthew McConaughey- who just looks crazy (and doesn’t wear deodorant because he wants to smell like a man. I’ll pass.) So stop acting like you love sweating through everything you own, doing laundry, and showering. Yeah it may feel great after but come on, you must’ve considered throwing yourself into traffic atleast once.

10. I’m not mad. Bitch, I am about to be all sorts of passive aggressive crazy on you. Gonna borrow your clothes without asking, leave my dirty dishes around, and not let you borrow my car because “I am out of gas, sorrrry.” Nope, not sorry. Let the tension build to the inevitable drunk fight.

1. Shoes do not dump you in five minute phone calls. Point shoes.

2. It’s okay for friends to borrow your shoes for the night, but not okay for friends to borrow your man for the night (unless you’re into that kind of thing.) Point shoes.

3. If you leave one shoe in a taxi cab you buy a new pair the next day, if you leave a man in a taxi cab you are going to wake up alone the next day. Point shoes.

4. Shoes help you go. Men ask to finish on your chest. Point shoes.

5. Men do not break / twist / sprain / give you blisters- just your heart. Point shoes.

6. I have had some pairs of shoes for 10+ years. My longest relationship was a little over a year. Point shoes.

7. Shoes do not wish their x-box was with them after you sleep with them. Point shoes.

8. High heels keep you up, men have problems keeping it up. Point shoes.

9. Flat shoes can be cute, flaccid man- not. Point shoes.

10. Having a lot of shoes makes you stylish, having a lot of men makes you a slut. Point shoes.

11. Shoes make you look thinner, men ask “Are you really going to wear that out?” Point shoes.

12. You never have to meet your shoes parents. Point shoes.

13. Shoes always come in pairs, most men I know need to grow a pair. Point shoes.

14. I rather have a new pair of heels then eat dinner at 10 pm on Valentine’s Day because you forgot to make a reservation until the last minute. Point shoes.

15. Shoes that are too small is bad, men that are too small is worse. Point shoes.

16. Shoes do not need enhancement pills found at gas station counters to fit. Point shoes.

17. You can return shoes. Point shoes.

18. Shoes do not get jealous if you wear a different pair out the next weekend. Point shoes.

19. Shoes do not lie about what size they are. Point shoes.

20. Shoes do not steal your wallet and then tell you it’s your fault for leaving it out. Point shoes.

21. Shoes with leather and spikes, good; man in leather and spikes, run. Point shoes.

22. High quality shoes are easier to find, and actually exist. Point shoes.

23. Shoes do not care if you gained 10 pounds and can’t fit your jeans. Point shoes.

24. Shoes cannot get you pregnant. Point shoes.

25. You can return shoes. Point shoes.

26. Shoes do not brag about their size or compare their size with other shoes. Point shoes.

27. Shoes can’t buy you other shoes, men who buy you shoes are probably gay. Tie.

28. Once you have a pair of shoes they do not change, once you have a man all he will do is change. Point shoes.

29. Shoes almost always leave the bar with you, men (if you’re me) rarely do. Point shoes.

30. Shoes do not forget your birthday. Point shoes.

31. Old shoes are vintage, old men are creepy. Point shoes.

32. Shoes do not think you’re an alcoholic, in fact shoes love dancing on tables / ledges/ drunk passed out people. Point shoes.

33. You never have to take out a restraining order / change your number because of shoes. Point shoes.

34. Shoes that tie up good, men that tie you up bad and most likely the subject of an episode of Criminal Minds. Point shoes.

35. When you’re bending over to tend to your shoes you are just tieing them, when you’re bending over to tend to your man you are wondering HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE. Point shoes.