Fight Like A Girl
Imma cut the witty joke I was gonna make about God making the girls’ ability to be passive aggressive on his day of rest, partially because I am kind of feeling this Smirnoff Ice, but mostly because that joke wasn’t going anywhere.
If a dude is ever told he fights like a girl, that’s not an insult, it’s like being knighted by the queen of England. Haven’t women started all the World Wars? I know for certain the second one started because Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck wanted to bang the same chick. Check your facts “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader.” Why else would 99% of the villans in (good) Disney movies be women? Maleficent, the bitch in Snow White, Ursula, and I sure as hell know Jafar isn’t fooling anyone with all that eye liner.
Let’s get one thing straight. I stopped giving boys the silent treatment in middle school, when they started snapping other girls bras. If I am not saying anything to you it’s not because you won, it’s because I am trying to think of ways for me murdering you to look like an accident. Like the other day, my boyfriend wanted to borrow some chap stick. But he did something to piss me off, lost count at this point. Did I tell him why I was upset? Hell no, that’s mistake numero uno. Instead I gave him a hot pink tube I said goes on clear. It doesn’t. Why would I do that? Because I wanted him to look like a fuck, because he wouldn’t go to a bar he hates with me and all my girlfriends. If I am anything I’m logical.
Example number two. My roomie, who is no longer friendly, was going to visit her manfriend in Chicago. Due to a lack of communication, probs cus they spend their Skype dates just smiling at each other, he didn’t know when to pick her up so he made plans. She tried to find somewhere to crash in the city for the night so he could get her the next day. So naturally the only option is a guy she banged, and even talked to *gasp*. Here is where she has him trapped, and for this I thoroughly applaud her genius; if he says fine stay there for a night, I trust you, then she can say why would you rather have me stay with him instead of you? OR if he says no, I want you to stay with me, she can play the ultimate passive agressive card, the why, do you not trust me? whammie. Boom, she got her way, he changed his plans to pick her up, and they enjoyed a lovely weekend high-fiving in a hot tub.
The best part of all of this is while the “hes” of the world think we’re crying to our friends over Cosmo’s about how much of an asshole you are, we are all sitting around the living room reading your texts out loud deciding when to tell you we’re “fine.” Which, as you should know by the time you can read, never actually means “fine.” And yes, just to clear up any future questions about what we do after we read your texts and laugh at how much of a dumbass you can be, we do have naked pillow fights.