The transition from single to Facebook official has not been a smooth one, for me atleast. Besides his blackout antics of forgetting language and tendency to proclaim “No I will not have anal with you” when we pass groups of strangers during an otherwise silent walk from his house to my own, that kid sure knows what he is doing to make a girl feel special. I mean what girl wouldn’t love a guy who calls her 48 times while she is at the bar with her friends? Ugh it’s just like Twilight. 

We have varying definitions of sexy underwear. When I say we I don’t mean me and him, I mean me and society. (Where I guess he falls, regardless of bizarre sound effects he makes for everything. Yes, everything.) I see nothing wrong with my “that’s what he said” boy shorts or my purple “where’s the party?” bikini briefs. If anything it’s a test like how amusement park’s have “must me this tall to ride” I have a “must be able to read this to ride” rule. Safety first. 

Another note on under dressings. I put a shit ton of time into matching, only for it to be peeled off and lost under a floor of dirty grey shirts he has had since 8th grade that I am fairly certain all used to be black. They have these creepy little holes in the shoulders like a pack of hungry hamsters went loose in his closet. I even matched the metallic silver text on the purple pair to my silver duct taped boobs (because it was this dress with a mesh strip down the middle). Note to twenty something men, throw out anything Hollister. Don’t even donate it. Please, for the love of my lady wood please. 

I also find myself getting super passive agressive over BS I know is BS, then buying Kate Spade bags with what remaining graduation money I have left as a coping mechanism. Anytime he even talks to another girl my inner crazy screams “SLUTSICLE” quickly followed by a whispered “am I cuter than her?” Girls know what I am talking about, that insecurity that only comes out in a good drunk cry over dollar slices of pizza. Like oh, you didn’t tell me you were going to the bar for a boys night? Well I am going to make the Sim I made of you fat. And just like that I win the crazy contest he doesn’t even know he was competing in. 

When a guy drops the L bomb a girl hears “RELEASE THE CRAZY”. Just last week my boyfriend told me he likes that I am a little crazy. So like a good girlfriend I saw awe babe you’re the best! while in my head I am peeing my pants laughing because he doesn’t even know crazy yet. Time to start pop quzzing him on all my favorite things, which, of course, change on an almost daily basis. 

On a uncharacteristically positive note, I get a lot of free pizza and chinese food out of it. He also has HBO, so that’s cool. 

Girls are freaking nuts, we are- I will be the first to admit it, but part of this has to do how oblivious guys are. We make oursevles crazy over the opposite sexs’ mass volume of stupidity when it comes to understanding us. Now I understand, really I do, that girls are hard to get / figure out / understand but guys- that doesn’t mean you’re supposed to give up completely. Its like guys see a complex girl and are like oh shit, I can’t handle that bundle of effort so I am going to hook up with her slutty friend. I am not saying I am one of these complex girls or one of the slutty ones, just somewhere in the middle. Ladies, being dramatic doesn’t make you complex either. I can’t believe I just said “ladies,” my high school principle would always start her annoucements like that so I have been conditionted to cringe.

All it takes is for one “asshole” to warp a girl’s image of guys forever. Which is sad because one girl’s asshole is another girl’s dream. Wow, I don’t think that could have come out any worse. What I meant to say is to you sure your ex will always be that dick who broke your heart, but give him a few months and block his internet porn and hes the future Mr. so and so of some awesome chick that you, naturally, hate. I am the one who made him that way for you!

Now add to that predisposition for crazy how much girls think. I blame years and years of not being able to vote or work so GUYS its KARMA. Girls will be mad at you before you even talk to them. Girls can convince themselves of LITERALLY ANYTHING. We will justify our actions by any means possible. Never doubt that. Don’t believe me? I am ordering an overpriced raviolio dinner to my place of work.

This is my thought process:

Well, I haven’t had pasta in like months- good job girl on avoiding carbs because vodka doesn’t count- and the reception food is totally gross so I would just end up eating that then ordering the other food anyway because I wouldn’t be full and still craving pasta which I should have done in the first place and I waked around a ton and chairs are heavy so thats like mile jog and like I will work out for two hours tomorrow since I joined a gym instead of one- water aerobics and spin- and I will just chase with sparking water for the rest of the week and leave my credit card at home so I can’t get drunk food either, and I will get a side salad with light fat free no sugar added blah blah blah rasberry vinagrette so I feel fuller faster and eat less carbs.

ALL OF THAT JUST TO BE OKAY WITH EATING PASTA. When we all know I will end up not working out and chasing with orange soda. Yes, girls think this way, in under a minute. Can you even FATHOME what a girl thinks when talking to a guy? I hate texting guys just because I will break down everything he says / doesn’t say / should have said / might actually be saying/ THE SIGNS. My girlfriends do the same, although I am sure I will get some bbms saying “I do not do that, thats just you” and while I apprecaite your efforts of denial, stop kidding yourself. Its our nature. So just delete his number / texts / e-mails to save yourself the brain cells.

I think an example is necessary:

A guy texts just saying “hi.” To a girl we read- I am not using puncuation because this is clearly a bored text, so I bet he sent a bunch out because he didn’t use my name totes impersonal, but its between the hours of noon and five so according to Cosmo that means hes interested in me- omgsecretsigns- but its impossible to greet someone with any shorter of words unless he said yo but thats fun and totally flity, ugh I wish he said yo, what do I say back? How long do I wait to reply? Do I add a smiley? I hate smileys, I hate guys who use smileys. If I say hey you is that too much, or what about hey! then I look too excited. I bet hes mad at me, thats all he said. One word texts are bad. I feel horrible, I should drink now and just work up the confidence to drunk text him back.

Now I may exaggerate slightly to make a point, but its a point we need not forget. Girls are out of their minds. Now go out and order fishbowls and dissect his every word until one of you gets drunk enough to grind on a stranger.