First Things I Notice About a Guy
That’s basically a nice way of saying, superficial qualities for which I am judging the shit out of you. If you’re one of those people that’s riding your high horse down a sandy beach all slow motion like “oh, I don’t judge anyone, I am too busy writing a series of haikus about inner beauty” - I hope a large wave crushes you (but not your horse, I always hate it when the horses die in movies).
I will never, ever, ask a guy “What is the first thing you noticed about me?” Mostly because I know the answer will either be my ass, or something like “You were crying alone in the corner because you thought the last season of Dawson’s Creek sucked … and your friends left you.”
If you pass the following tests, I will have a crush on you. If you do not pass, I will still plan our life together. Three kids. Apartment like Meg Ryan’s in “You’ve Got Mail”. A wiener dog named T.J. after my favorite animated protagonist from One Saturday Morning’s Recess.
- Your cell phone background
- Your choice in footwear
- What is on your wrist
- Your top 25 most played on iTunes
- Do you remember my name
1. Acceptable cell phone background= favorite athletic team logo, your dog, the background the phone came with because you don’t know how to change it. Unacceptable= your family, any pet other than a dog, a girl. I do not want my dirty drunk text popping up on your phone over your mother’s face. I refuse to date (and by date I mean hook-up) with anyone who has a reptile (and don’t say you have one in your pants). Boyfriends of the world, never make your girlfriend your background because the second you change it, she will find out, you will get in a fight, she will change her relationship status to “it’s complicated” and you will apologize first.
2. Footwear selection. All white sneakers, no. Anything that exposes your hobbit toes, no. The male version of Sketchers Shape-Ups, no. If you butcher an acceptable form of footwear like Nike dunks or boat shoes with mid-calf black socks, no. Man Uggs, you’re dead to me.
3. Wrist jewelry. One of those bracelets that help with your balance, no and you’re a dumbass. A friendship bracelet, you whipped boyfriend you- I am surprised your electric collar didn’t go off when you left your girlfriends house. A Livestrong bracelet, only acceptable if you are not wearing cargo shorts. A watch, sexy. Unless it’s velcro or rhinestoned.
4. The following restrictions on iTunes Top 25: Taylor Swift listed more than twice, no. Ke$ha more than once, no. Any Nickelback, no. Mulan’s I’ll Make a Man Out of You? I am already naked.
5. Call me dude, girl, babe, baby, buddy or any bizarre combination of that list. Dead to me.