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04

Sep

How Was YOUR Welcome Week?

Here, in bulleted tumblr form, I present to you the highlights- or what the standard real life young adult would more likely refer to as low points / rock bottom- of my final Welcome Week. I capitalized those W’s because a week of copious alcohol consumption and enough walks of shame to look like a 5k for the latest celebrity cause, deserve proper noun status. 

  • I finally had a drink bought for me! Alas, it was not from a sexy, brooding man, sitting at the bar with a tumbler of whiskey and reading The Norton Anthology of Poetry. Tt was purchased for me, by a late 20’s early 30’s couple. NO, it was not an invitation to a threesome, that would be a moon walk considering the motivation of this rum and diet coke. Long story short, I was standing at the bar for like a year waiting to order a fishbowl.  Apparently I looked more pathetic, unhappy, and lonely than usual because that’s exactly why he personally brought it to me. Yes, they didn’t send it over- the male of the drink sending duo brought it over to me and said I really looked like I needed a drink, because I had been standing there so long. Alone. And sober. 
  • A nice young man on the football team told my roomie I have a nice ass and asked her to invite me to their threesome. 
  • My butt got intentionally grazed THREE times at the bar within five minutes. After the first time I was all, oh, that was an accident, it’s just crowded; however, after the third time I was like ef this and walked around the bar with my ass sliding along the wall looking so everyone, and their hands, were in front of me. If you wanna touch my butt just ask, I am very proud of it for being white, and a ginger.
  • On an non bar and ass related note, I slept outside. I went from sleeping in my attic room, to the living room futon, to the freaking bathroom floor, to the fire escape. It was that hot in my apartment. It was actually super comfortable and I the wireless reached so I watched a couple of episodes of Mad Men till I passed out. Not so fun was remembering it gets bright outside when the sun comes up, and only remembering I was in my underwear when I was standing up to give directions to a group of gentlemen who jumped the parking lot fence of my building as a cut through for football pregame parties. Whatever, it’s like wearing a bathing suit. Too bad I was in my grannie panties that say “Santa’s Little Helper” on the ass. FYI I do have a thing for undies with text on the behind. 
  • I weighed myself! And am subsequently only drinking my calories from now on. Which is actually the problem in the first place. I am now attempting to exclude carbs from my diet. My co-worker said I will last a week. I told her she has more faith in me than I do.
  • I spent forty hours with my sorority sisters practicing rush recruitment. I now believe I could win the game of Survivor and am seriously considering applying for the show. In fact, Survivor should be held in any sorority house, and not an island that people already live on without a cash reward. 
  1. gingerambition posted this