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30

Jun

Places to Meet a Man: The Gym

Hey ladies, so I was working up a sweat at the gym and it hit me- there are some babes at the gym; you know the guys that pick things up and put them down. I try to avoid the ones that wear high school shirts though. Key word being try.

  • Join an expensive gym. The kind that has TVs attached to the machines / hanging from the ceiling / covering all free wall space. That means he has money. We all know that some of us, aka me, would totally marry for money over love; as well as any girl with her priorities in check.
  • Label your water bottle ‘Wine’ this will attract the right kind of men because wine is classy, making you classy by assosciation. If you labeled it ‘Vodka’ or ‘Whiskey’ people might think you’re an alcoholic… or a man.
  • When you’re cleaning the handle bars of the elliptical make sure you make your up and down gestures with the towel super hand-joby. Like real slow up and down, then super fast. Also if you get really into it do like three slow chomps. Guys love teeth.
  • Regardless of your size, I mean shape, wear head to toe spandex. Animal print whenever possible-or neon, you want to be noticed.
  • Never pour water directly in your mouth. Instead hold it about a foot above your head, tilt your head back, and just squeeze the water bottle while slowly turning your head side to side. EYES CLOSED.
  • If lifting weights make as many animal / sex noises as possible. Evesdrop on the conversations of the guys lifting weights around you to find out what their names are and be sure to work a couple “Ohhhh Eric” into your vocal performance.
  • Go with a girlfriend and bring yoga mats. Strech each other out the way trainers do with baseball players. A small crowd of creepy men prospective lovers will form around you, guaranteed.
  • Be really flexible. If you’re not really flexible then join a second gym to get really flexible.
  • Wear a push-up bra under your sports bra. As long as you don’t hug / run really fast, then no one should be able to tell you’re wearing fake boobs.
  • Full water proof make-up is key. Wear enough make-up that you could compete in a toddler beauty pagent. This will help you stand out. Remember to blot your face with a towel, don’t rub. No one wants to see what you really look like, you surprise a guy with that once he is trapped. I mean in a happy, loving, realationship.
  • Never pull your hair back. When you are power walking on the treadmill shake your head side to side so your hair swings side to side. Take an anticipatory advil before the gym though. You leave with a migraine, and hopefully some dates!
  • Ask for help on how to work every machine. Forget how to count / walk. Guys get really turned on by super needy / stupid girls, it makes them feel manly. Like John Smith.

Carefully follow all of these helpful tips and you’ll be in a real life Facebook relationship, thats not with your best friend / pet, in no time!

  1. yduhhh said: victoria secret now sells sports bras with padding…its a push up sports bra. this was not made for exercising, it was made for the man-hunt. keep on keeping on. hoodeyhoooo (my mating call)!!!!
  2. gingerambition posted this