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That Guy Friend All Girls Have

Girlfriends, don’t play dumb but know you’re not alone in this.

I have never been one to believe that guys and girls can just be friends. I mean, girls are 100% capable of treating a guyfriend like a girlfriend without it leading to any drunken hookups, but guys are the ones who will always want more and end up ruining the friendship (thank you life lessons from When Harry Met Sally). This isn’t intended to ruffle any feathers, by any means, or to tell girls they are hot shit because all their guy friends want to jump them. Guys just assume that if a girl is texting them, that she is into him. Yeah, because my way of flirting with you is to text you saying I feel like a morbidly obese beached whale in my sweat pants from middle school and have eaten enough mac and cheese equivlent to my body mass. REALLY SEXY. But whatever, assume any female living thing that makes eye contact with you “wants summa dat”, chances are you’ll end up dying alone in a sea of empty beer cans with your latest porno still playing on your flat screen from your college dorm room. You know college, the place where you peaked. Maybe by then The Devil Wears Nada will be in 3D so you feel less miserable reflecting upon your meaningless consumer driven life (heyo, 10 Things I Hate About You line drop).

Phew, got a little off topic there, but stay with me. Every girl has a guy friend that their boyfriend hates. With good reason, although us chicks will deny till we die. Here is how this guy friend works. He has liked you since you guys met, you were never really into him but he came on kinda strong and upped your confidence. This self-esteem boost gave you that pep in your step to make moves on a dude you are actually into. You two start dating. Guy number one will keep in touch with you and tell you he’s so happy for you, that you found someone to appreciate how awesome you are. You will thank him and ask him about his love life. Hes got nada. Whenever you get in a fight with your boyfriend / he isn’t texing you / hasn’t noticed your haircut / are BORED, you will text this other guy. Of course has noticed your haircut because you’re special and beautiful and amazing. He will use a lot of a-words like that. He checks your facebook daily. You should be creeped out and annoyed but you like the attention you’re sure your lacking, but naturally deserve, from your boyfriend.

When you and said boyfriend break up, this guy friend thinks this is his chance. It’s not. He will comfort you, and say you deserve better, and throw some more compliments you will eat up smiliar to the manner in which I  dominate the 50 piece McDonald’s chicken nugget challenge. A disgusting display of raw determination and majestic power. Of course we will hang out! But you’re sure to always be busy. Soon you meet a new boyfriend and the cycle starts over again. This guy will drunk text you and flirt with you, but you never really flirt back. Just send enough smiley faces so some small part of him thinks he has a chance.

Now I do not have this friend because it usually requires a boyfriend or consistent hook-up for this other dude to get jealous over / wish he was. Guys don’t exactly get jealous over how much time you spend with your cat. But if they did MY PHONE WOULD BE BLOWING UP.

Gurlz, if this is you watch how much you tease him before you end up as the victim inspiration on an episode of Law and Order SVU. Or the plot line behind some made to DVD movie about the dangers of technology / relationships / crazies where Paris Hilton plays you. Nobody wants to see that, so don’t live it, your life is worth more than half a star in People magazine.