Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

22

Jun

The Speech

This title may baffle some of you cough men cough, others may be thinking is this going to be about The King’s Speech? As if I would ever write about anything non-relationship related you fools, but to those select few semi-neurotic females who, like myself, are in a cyclical battle of epic proportions with men, far greater than the Lord Voldemort vs. Harry Potter struggle, then you are beginning to catch my drift…

Let me break down what I mean by the speech. You know the one girls- the speech you make up in your head late late at night after listening to Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” on repeat and indulging in your friends Jose, Jack and maybe Ben and Jerry. Beginning to sound familiar? The one you swear you will tell him the next time you run into him. Ideally this would be when you’re walking down the street with Ryan Gosling, fifteen pounds lighter, wind in your hair, laughing and holding hands over coffee.  While in reality you will see him at a party, he will be grinding on some chick cuter than you, you’ll be way drunker than both of them combined, and your night will end with you crying over a large pizza with your girlfriends. Girl, he is such an asshole! Forget him! Take a shot! You can do better! He looks like a foot!

The speech is usually slightly insulting about some physical quality you know he is self conscious about cough size cough and just a step below a drum roll and the American flag dropping behind you. Sometimes it comes in letter form, get drunk enough and you may end up e-mailing it. The content usually falling somewhere around: you will never do better than me, good luck finding another girl who will put up with all your shit, you’re the most annoying drunk ever, my friends hated you and always told me I could do better, I should have seen all your red flags, I wish I dumped you first … blah blah blah. 

Guys, if you’re lucky you will never hear this speech. Girls, if you are smart will never let him hear that. 

I have heard the saying that the best revenge is to be happy. But how is he going to know how happy I am without him if I don’t post albums of me with other guys and Taylor Swift lyrics as my status?! These are like mini forms of the speech. The more you sit online broadcasting what you’re doing 24/7 the more pathetic you look, I am the first to say I have been that girl. The goal is to be busy and if you’re really as busy as you say you are then there is no time for social networking. Also, dressing like a slut doesn’t make you look single and happy and over him, it makes you look like a slut.

College isn’t the real world, and as much as it may seem like the end of the world now, in a few years he will just be some guy from your college years. Do you remember that exam you failed in high school? If you answered no then right on girlfriend. If you said yes, then get the hell off my blog and go meet some people. Play laser tag or something. 

  1. gingerambition posted this