Usually I go to an air conditioned bar with wifi and play Sims all afternoon.

Instead, I am making myself staying in my room, in my apartment so I don’t spend any money, because I got a Chase message my account is below $50 dollars. It’s because I got a pedicure yesterday. I don’t know why I even get them, they just tickle the entire time, and I  have to watch old women talk about young things, and then I walk barefoot to the bar the same night anyway. I am actually playing The Bachelorette, which I don’t even like that much, on a loop to keep myself from online shopping on the sites advertised on my Facebook page. 

So here are a bunch of things on my mind that aren’t long enough to be their own blog post, but together warrant one mediocre entry. Yes, I had to copy and paste “mediocre” into the sentence because I don’t know how to spell it and my dad isn’t here to make me sound it out, or clap out the syllabus, like I am in first grade. Which is exactly how I feel sometimes. 

How come all the other girls can wear trendy high waisted jeans shorts where they have butt cheek cleavage dripping out, but whenever I try them on I get an insta-mom butt where it just looks like a saggy back extension? 

Next thought, what is the difference between old and vintage?

Does anyone else hate those guy’s that work at the hair straightener kiosks at the mall? I always pretend to talk to my mom on the phone when I approach them. I actually go out of my way at the mall to avoid them. Second thought, why are they always wearing vests? That’s it, I have decided vests are the creepiest thing a guy could wear. Only magicians can wear them, and even then just barely. 

I got lost driving to my cousin’s bridal shower at a church. I borrowed a friend’s dress to wear there, but she has boobs and I don’t, and it keeps me up at night to think about because there is a good chance I flashed the parish’s youth group getting out of my car. On the same dress note I was also chugging a gallon of cranberry juice at a stop light in the front seat and it dripped on my crotch-al region. The dress was white. 

Note to others on attending a bridal shower:

1. Apparently you’re not supposed to wear white unless you’re the bride. Who knew. 
2. When playing bridal bingo (the kind where you fill in the spots with gifts you think she has received) don’t cheat and look up her Bed Bath & BEYOND registry online. Specifics will kill ya. Also, don’t put vibrator in an open square when seated at a table of children and older aunts. 
3. Don’t be hungover unless you can drink more there.
4. I am going to start my bridal registry now and only add items to it when drunk.
5. Can I have a bridal registry at a liquor store? 

Glad I got that off my chest. BRB adding purple streaks to my hair and reading the second Hunger Games which has taken me five years to get into, but I just want to know who this rumored Finnick-whatever sex beast is. Why? Because I can / am really effing bored because I work weekends and am off Monday / Tuesday. Oh the woes of being a wedding coordinator.