It’s My Day Off
Usually I go to an air conditioned bar with wifi and play Sims all afternoon.
Instead, I am making myself staying in my room, in my apartment so I don’t spend any money, because I got a Chase message my account is below $50 dollars. It’s because I got a pedicure yesterday. I don’t know why I even get them, they just tickle the entire time, and I have to watch old women talk about young things, and then I walk barefoot to the bar the same night anyway. I am actually playing The Bachelorette, which I don’t even like that much, on a loop to keep myself from online shopping on the sites advertised on my Facebook page.
So here are a bunch of things on my mind that aren’t long enough to be their own blog post, but together warrant one mediocre entry. Yes, I had to copy and paste “mediocre” into the sentence because I don’t know how to spell it and my dad isn’t here to make me sound it out, or clap out the syllabus, like I am in first grade. Which is exactly how I feel sometimes.
How come all the other girls can wear trendy high waisted jeans shorts where they have butt cheek cleavage dripping out, but whenever I try them on I get an insta-mom butt where it just looks like a saggy back extension?
Next thought, what is the difference between old and vintage?
Does anyone else hate those guy’s that work at the hair straightener kiosks at the mall? I always pretend to talk to my mom on the phone when I approach them. I actually go out of my way at the mall to avoid them. Second thought, why are they always wearing vests? That’s it, I have decided vests are the creepiest thing a guy could wear. Only magicians can wear them, and even then just barely.
I got lost driving to my cousin’s bridal shower at a church. I borrowed a friend’s dress to wear there, but she has boobs and I don’t, and it keeps me up at night to think about because there is a good chance I flashed the parish’s youth group getting out of my car. On the same dress note I was also chugging a gallon of cranberry juice at a stop light in the front seat and it dripped on my crotch-al region. The dress was white.
Note to others on attending a bridal shower:
- Apparently you’re not supposed to wear white unless you’re the bride. Who knew.
- When playing bridal bingo (the kind where you fill in the spots with gifts you think she has received) don’t cheat and look up her Bed Bath & BEYOND registry online. Specifics will kill ya. Also, don’t put vibrator in an open square when seated at a table of children and older aunts.
- Don’t be hungover unless you can drink more there.
- I am going to start my bridal registry now and only add items to it when drunk.
- Can I have a bridal registry at a liquor store?
Glad I got that off my chest. BRB adding purple streaks to my hair and reading the second Hunger Games which has taken me five years to get into, but I just want to know who this rumored Finnick-whatever sex beast is. Why? Because I can / am really effing bored because I work weekends and am off Monday / Tuesday. Oh the woes of being a wedding coordinator.