I Am Not Ready For The Real World
Unless I were to actually be on the MTV Reality TV show “Real World,” (HAPPY BRYAN”.,!?<!) in which case I have neither the tits nor the fondness for men in tank tops to be ready for that either. So I have been thinking about my future a lot, nautral right? Having just graduated and all, and not knowing where the hell I will be in August when both my lease and event coordinating internship end, is a constant source of drunk crying as of late. If I could just pull a sleeping beauty, get a boxed wine IV and PTFO until some hot dude in leggings wakes me up that would be great. Besides my great admiration for a good icing, there are a few choice reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed out of Ann Arbor.
- I still feel weird bringing wine to my boyfriend’s parents. My mom’s answer? Wine and flowers. I ask my mom because boyfriends ALWAYS say “baby, you don’t have to bring anything, and it doesn’t matter what you wear either. You could wear sweats and they would love you.” I am calling bullshit. If I were a parent, you all better pray that day never comes, and my child brought home a significant other in sweats I would judge the shit out of them, and probably let them take the leftovers home to their cardboard box. Anyway, point is I feel super awk bein like hayyy p-unit here’s some booze, I have no idea what it tastes like because I have only ever had it out of a box. Luckily they had beer.
- I can only get my haircut when I go home. The same lady has cut my hair since I was four. I trust no one else with my gingery mane. On that note I still go to the same dentist and doctor as well. Oh, and the same mall. I take my malls seriously. I am not ready to find all that shit on my own. Knowing me I’ll see one of those commericals for a free consultation and be like bam, that’s my guy.
- I think cash is free money. I use my debit card for everything, so when I get cash from people who feel bad for me, it’s like oh it was never in my account so I can spend it and there’s no proof I ever had it in the first place. Plus I don’t want to carry around cash in my bra, it’s bad enough I look like a stripper, I don’t want to feel like one too.
- I blame my parents when I get lost. I came home for the weekend and hit traffic. My first thought was, why didn’t my mom call me and tell me it was down to two lanes? My first thought should have been, let’s listen to the AM station traffic updates. But then I remembered I don’t know any AM stations.
- I seriously contemplate making a Shoe Dazzel account on a daily basis. Instead I just take the quizzes to see what catergory my style fits into, but I kid you not there is a good sixty seconds where I want to buy the shoes personally selected for me. Unfortunately studded black mary jane pumps do not go with my daily uniform of yoga pants and sweathshirts, sans bra.