NOTE: I would have posted this yesterday but I was too hungover to finish. I could barely stay on my weight loss ball chair at work. Other note, should probably start wearing pants when sitting on said ball chair. 

I went to the beer tent of a polish festival / carny fair last night. Which is as equally terrifying as it sounds. Worry not sweet readers, I drank enough to forget what parents grinding  to an 80’s cover band looks like. It’s kind of nice to know I never really have to grow up- I just have to purchase high-waisted jeans, complain about gas prices, and forget how to use my phone. Boom insta adult. It’s comforting to know that when the roles reverse, and some hot, witty, intelligent, twenty-something redhead is judging the shit out of me, that I will be grinding my fat ass on my balding husband to “Wobble” and “Party in the USA”. So much to look forward to. 

Anyway, my girlfriends and I got pretty fuckered up, meaning I was the only drunk one. Who knew five Mike’s Hard Lemonades would hit me so fast when chugged in rapid succession while stage dancing with moms. Needless to say I felt very attractive, even though I wasn’t wearing boot cut jeans. I spent all the money I brought with me on $5 drinks and a random father gave me money to get a hot dog… that I pocketed. 

In the morning I found fifty-three DJ business cards in my wallet. I vaguely recall the DJ wouldn’t let me sing karaoke in the gambling tent, that wasn’t even playing music. I proceeded to tell him that I too am a DJ, a better DJ in fact, and stole his business cards as I ran out of the tent so no one would hire him because I was drunk and angry. But mostly drunk. I also told him to Google me as proof. Prior to our business card altercation he did however let me announce last call to a room of my parent’s friends. Halfway through my announcement, book ended by twin wohoos, I dropped the mic and sprinted forward because I thought I saw my friends sibling but it was a carny. After my friends and I ran out we proceeded to climb the hummer parked outside and have a photoshoot… in our sundresses.

When I got home I took off all my clothes and ate deviled eggs in bed. I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of drunk foods.