The transition from single to Facebook official has not been a smooth one, for me atleast. Besides his blackout antics of forgetting language and tendency to proclaim “No I will not have anal with you” when we pass groups of strangers during an otherwise silent walk from his house to my own, that kid sure knows what he is doing to make a girl feel special. I mean what girl wouldn’t love a guy who calls her 48 times while she is at the bar with her friends? Ugh it’s just like Twilight. 

We have varying definitions of sexy underwear. When I say we I don’t mean me and him, I mean me and society. (Where I guess he falls, regardless of bizarre sound effects he makes for everything. Yes, everything.) I see nothing wrong with my “that’s what he said” boy shorts or my purple “where’s the party?” bikini briefs. If anything it’s a test like how amusement park’s have “must me this tall to ride” I have a “must be able to read this to ride” rule. Safety first. 

Another note on under dressings. I put a shit ton of time into matching, only for it to be peeled off and lost under a floor of dirty grey shirts he has had since 8th grade that I am fairly certain all used to be black. They have these creepy little holes in the shoulders like a pack of hungry hamsters went loose in his closet. I even matched the metallic silver text on the purple pair to my silver duct taped boobs (because it was this dress with a mesh strip down the middle). Note to twenty something men, throw out anything Hollister. Don’t even donate it. Please, for the love of my lady wood please. 

I also find myself getting super passive agressive over BS I know is BS, then buying Kate Spade bags with what remaining graduation money I have left as a coping mechanism. Anytime he even talks to another girl my inner crazy screams “SLUTSICLE” quickly followed by a whispered “am I cuter than her?” Girls know what I am talking about, that insecurity that only comes out in a good drunk cry over dollar slices of pizza. Like oh, you didn’t tell me you were going to the bar for a boys night? Well I am going to make the Sim I made of you fat. And just like that I win the crazy contest he doesn’t even know he was competing in. 

When a guy drops the L bomb a girl hears “RELEASE THE CRAZY”. Just last week my boyfriend told me he likes that I am a little crazy. So like a good girlfriend I saw awe babe you’re the best! while in my head I am peeing my pants laughing because he doesn’t even know crazy yet. Time to start pop quzzing him on all my favorite things, which, of course, change on an almost daily basis. 

On a uncharacteristically positive note, I get a lot of free pizza and chinese food out of it. He also has HBO, so that’s cool.