If you’re like me you are the kind of drunk texter that is a step or two below being arrested for sexual harassment. I will invite you over, ask where you are, declare that you are dead to me, only to repeat the first two five minutes later. But I know girls who do it right, who maintain levels of feminine intrigue and mystery that leave me awe-struck. Like browsing the Tiffany’s engagement rings website or the first time you see Channing Tatum shirtless, because every time feels like the first time. I am talking about the girls that can shower twice a week, wear flats to the bar, and still manage to have Vineyard Vine fleece vest wearing men flank their rear. Touching their freaking forearms. I am afraid of forearms. More specifically, I am afraid of any male body part that has the word “fore” in it.

This particular breed of girls, the kind who see the “Looking for Ivy League Egg Donor” advertisements on the side of their Facebook and know it applies to them, are usually the recipient of booty call texts. But if you’re more like me, you’re the one sending them- yes plural, can’t put all your eggs in one basket. Here are some things I have learned not to do, from many a failed text. 

1. Only send one text- something like, hey what are you up to? gets the message across. Two texts is two too many. DO NOT USE EMOTICONS, EVER. 
2. Anything after 10 PM on a bar night (Thursday - Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday? If you drink on a Monday then you’re an alcoholic. ) is a booty call. 
3. Just a tip, do not threaten them. Um, lets just leave that one at that.
4. Do not mention the name of your target in the text. If you text more than one person things could get sloppier than me on a Tuesday night, which, according to the scars on my knees from FALLING is pretty damn sloppy.
5. Don’t actually call. You’re drunk, although reading those texts messages the next morning might be wince inducing, at least you know the damage done. You can’t go back and listen to 10, 3 minute phone calls you had last night.To one person.
6. If he or she does not respond to you, do not, I repeat, do not go home add said person on Facebook. Personally, I tend to go on drunk friending sprees for which I have zero justification.

You know what, scratch that. Getting drunk is dangerous, besides the obvious DUI and MIP, you can seriously damage your reputation and gain a nickname like “Mary Ho-Round.” My best advice is, if you’re going to drink you should lock yourself in the bathroom sans technology with like, a romance novel or homework. 

For those of you in the position to receive drunk booty calls that lead to other positions… I have no idea what to tell you while still managing to sound sincere. Now I am going to go out and do everything I just reminded myself not to do, but that’s okay because it’s college!