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How To Let Him Know You’re Interested

  • Instead of getting your own last name printed on the back of a sweatshirt or jersey, put his! 
  • Or steal one from his dirty laundry. I have found windows to be most accessible and rarely locked. Never wash it! You want to memorize his scent to more easily find what bar he is at / all his classes.
  • Start dressing like his mom. 
  • And acting like his mom. 
  • Wear a black rhinestoned tank top under all your clothes that says “Future Mrs. XXXX”, during the summer wear it as a beach cover up.
  • Dedicate everything you do to him, I dedicate this Denny’s Grand Slam to Macus, say it as loud as possible, eyes squeezed shut, then make the sign of a cross and point to the ceiling. 
  • Take pictures of him doing routine activities and anonymously place them in his mailbox with messages like “you work those grey sweatpants” or “you’re running low on dishwasher fluid”, he will find these complimentary and helpful. 
  • Draw eerily realistic portraits of him in the dirt on his car’s back windshield.
  • Carve his number into the walls of every bathroom stall to help you remember the order of the digits. 
  • Get his number from a Facebook event called “BAR ATE MY PHONE Need Numbers!!!!!!!!!!!!” 
  • Send him drinks from across the bar, tell the bartender to tell said boy you “will buy him a shot for each of the forty three freckles on his nose”
  • Write on his driveway in side walk chalk that “Hottie McHottiest Lives Here” and then in small text below that headline threatening messages to any slampiece he takes home, assuming she can read
  • Call him non-stop for five minutes, hang up whenever he answers, and never leave a voicemail. What a thrill!
  • Befriend his parents then work your way into his life from there. Maybe you will be asked on a family vacation!
  • Always sit behind him and breathe really heavily, this is a sign of good genes and he will be instantly aroused by your pheromones diluted by Someday by Justin Beiber.
  • Legally change your name to the female version of his. If his name is Jack you can be Jackie. If you ever meet him in person you can open with, “Oh my God we have so much in common!” 
  • Make eye contact and smile for at least ten seconds, without blinking. If your eyes start to water thats even better, men make women cry all the time because they think it’s sexy. 
  • Alternate eyes when you wink, actually don’t blink at all- just wink. This is just good life advice in general.
  • Bring notecards with keywords for topics you can whip our during conversation, then he will be inspired to do some whipping out of his own later in the evening. 

Happy hunting dating!