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02

Oct

How to: Meet a Man in Class

Essentially: To meet a man in class, have none.

  • Pick a man and sit by him the first day of class. If he wants to bone you, he will sit by you the next class. If he doesn’t sit by you it’s your job to seek him out in your lecture of 284, and sit next to him. Silly boy is just playing hard to get. Oh, you came in first and he is somewhere else? Luckily you got these two things the littler mermaid wants, so you can just get up. If you can’t find him in the sea of children sitting on Facebook and not taking notes just yell out his most obvious physical feature. He probably has some sort of nickname associated with it from his bros.
  • The easiest way to figure out a man’s name is if you get to class, like, thirty minutes early, dress as a British royal guard, and stand by the door. As men line up to enter class, ask their name, then announce said name in the following manner (I will give you a script to make it a little easier) “Now entering the room: Hermes McGregor.” Then knock your staff, yes you have a staff, on the ground twice.*It just took me an embarrassingly long time to think of a man’s name I could use that I haven’t had now awkward relations with, who would read this and think it’s about them. 
  • Dropping your pencil? Kid’s don’t even know what a pencil is these days with their hands on some set of keys at all times. Drop your computer. As he bends down to help you pick up the assorted pieces of your MacBook air, lock eyes. Chances are he will think you’re a dumbass for buying a MacBook air in the first place- but seriously, what were you thinking? If he is rich he will offer you buy you a new one, if he is not- then he’s not worth talking to. The only size I am concerned about is the circumference of your wallet. 
  • As soon as you find out a man’s name your homework is to write his first and last in different combinations with your fist and last name. Then sit in front of him / next to him / on his lap to be sure he sees you’re interested. Be sure to use different colored gel pens and write some in cursive, some block letters, and a dash of hearts. 
  • If you haven’t caught on yet, it is key to learn his name. Then you can start saying “Hello, xxxx” and he will have to say hi back because his first thought is that you’re that drunk girl from last weekend with the sick dance  moves, literally sick- your attempt to moonwalk made him vomit. Now you’re on the expressway to Pound Town!
  • Sit in front of him and slightly to his left or right so he can see your computer screen. Make it as bright as possible. Then get yo ass on Facebook and creep on him harder than the mass boner the male population got after finding out Taco Bell is going to make Dorito shells. Start with his freshman year homecoming pictures and work your way to the present. If he didn’t get a Facebook until college then he probably also wears all white New Balance sneakers. Ew. Abort mission.
  • You have two outfit options for class, both of which send an identical message: purchase men’s basketball shorts and a large t-shirt from a local high school (but do hot girl makeup, more than the usual it took me a half hour to make it look like I am not wearing make up) OR anything neon from Baby Gap (yes, that exists.) His brain is thinking, damn she is DTF- your brain is thinking, now it’s only a matter of time until I can fake a pregnancy and trap him into a pre-nup-less marriage. Cha-ching.
  • You may be thinking, all knowing Ging, I am a women studies major, what should I do? 1. Did I ever say that you have to be registered to the classes you attend? I have been sitting in on law lectures at Harvard since I could walk. This is a gross exaggeration, but obviously you need this since you have such a poor choice in majors which leads me to 2. change your major.
  • Just always be drunk. 

Note: This is strictly speculation since I chose the rout of an art major and a minor in history of art- where there are ten girls to every guy, 75% of those guys like other guys, and the ones that do like girls, I have already hooked up with.