How long do I have to wear make-up around you? Save me the crap about liking a natural look, even that takes forever and whatever guy says that is probably lying. I am not saying you have to look like some Pintrest stripper eye make-up all my friends put under “my look” (weird, I have literally never seen you wear any of that), but a little mascara goes a long way.
The bathroom situation. Gotta take advantage of the ever empty stalls at Panera. Can’t ruin the illusion. (And this the point where my boyfriend stops reading)
Thongs. If we make the extra effort to match under things, say something (nice). Girls ruin what little self-esteem they have remaining after cruising the Victoria’s Secret website seeking apparel to impress you. Feel free to throw out your padded bras though, killed that illusion.
How much I suck at taking off belts. Your jeans are barely covering your ass. At that point of saggieness the only good use I can see your belt being is a weapon, because if you’re going to get mugged you won’t be able to spread your legs far enough apart to run.
Shaving. I look down at my legs like, well this is going to take awhile. It takes forever. Then guys are all like, why don’t you shower more, it takes like five minutes. No, one leg takes about five minutes.
Ex-Girlfriends. Yes, please pull out an origami heart out of your wallet over the lunch I purchased for us, I will definitely want to make out with you at the red light on our silent drive home afterward.
Free food. The single greatest positive quality about relationships, besides having someone to drunk text that (probably) won’t reject you. But all that steaks gotta go somewhere. Hello comfort weight, haven’t seen you in awhile. Right in time for bikini season.
Sports? I love sports! No I don’t. My trinity of athleticism is cheerleading, baseball, and volleyball.
Hiding your crazy. Bottle that shit up until he drops the L-word. Aka delete your web history so he can’t see you went through all the profile pictures of every female who has written on his wall to see if he has liked any of them.