What I Found in my Spanx this Morning
I get to my usual handicap stall about 3 minutes before I actually have to pee. That’s just enough time to take off my spanx and my hot pants (these wetsuit like shorts that are supposed to burn your off your ass dimples but in reality make you sweat so much you think, and smell, like you peed yourself) and get in a round of Fruit Ninja. So I am sitting there, emptying my bladder to make more room...
Why Everyone A Year Older Finds You Annoying This...
In about a month a fresh slew of twenty-something’s will be spit out of college and into whatever Midwest fringe city they are hired as “ office / research / account / sales + assistants.” Now that March has come to an end, my world of 1,274 internet friends have shifted the center of their universe toward graduation and I quote, “senioring the fuck up.” At first I thought their anxious statuses...
Spring Break at the Mall
PINK by Victoria’s Secret is the reason I do not want daughters. I’m not saying that to be relevant to the whole dads fighting undies that read “wild” on the ass or padded bathing suits for their moldable minded daughters. I am saying that because girls that shop at PINK are annoying as shit. They are literally the worst specimen of unprotected sex babies. If you knew that your egg was going to...
Anonymous asked: Can you talk more about anything but being a post-grad, please... You're losing your humor..
A Brief Exploration of Dream Jobs
I have this future version of me, in my head, and it’s not about the kind of career I want, but more the way I want to look “working.” I imagine myself as one of those girls who wears broaches without looking matronly, has time to eat salad seated in iron cast patio furniture, and drinks Starbucks all day without getting caffeine shakes or pooping every hour. I feel like I am good at alot of...
Where Have I Been All Your Life
I am having one of those days where I keep tucking my shirt into my thong instead of my jeans. I don’t know if that’s like, a common thing you can relate to, or if that’s one of those things I think happens to everyone, but in reality just happens to me. I know you have been sans Ginger Ambitions since Thanksgiving, and it really was my New Year’s Resolution to start writing again....
15 Things I Am Thankful For
There will never be another Twilight movie made ever again Myboyfriend doesn’t have LinkedIn, so I have one less social profile to check on a daily basis to make sure he is not friends with skanky girls) aka any girl that isn’t me) that just leaves Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Spotify, and Instagram Sims 3 Kanye West shutter shades are no longer in style ever since the cast of Jersey Shore...
Shopping at Target
I was bored on Sunday, so I went to Target. Like 99% of Target shoppers I went to get one or two things I needed, and left with the entire Kardashian nail polish collection. Target is my reason to get out of the house; it gives me a sense of purpose. Afterwards I feel like I accomplished more in that hour of shopping than I did my entire senior year, which is also probably true. I have always...
Popped My Bikram Yoga Cherry
I participated in my first 90 minute hot yoga class last night. I thought that meant it was the yoga equivalent of flirty girl fitness, like it was yoga for hot people. I’m not hot, but I thought hey, if people begin to look like their spouse over an extended period of time, maybe I can look like the attractive people in my hot yoga class. The only thing hot about it is the hundred something...
What I Drink and Why
Let’s start off with my personal favorite, a beverage I found a connection with from the very start, whose time on the overpriced campus liquor store shelf was cut off far too early… Four Loko. To those of you who are total douchebags I am referring to cuatro crazy. Nothing made me feel more alive on a football Saturday than chugging a beverage that could go up in flames as quickly...
2 Songs That Take Me Back
1. “Just Dance” / any early Lady Gaga noise. When I hear that questionably masculine voice crooning over the radio I am transported to my plywood platform dancing days of freshman year in fraternity basements. It was as bad as it sounds, and I tried really hard to put a positive twist on that. One of my costumes freshamn year was a “walk of shame girl.” Looking back...
A haunted house playing “Do you have a Beaumont doctor?” advertisements on a loop would be terrifying.
Things That Don't Change After College
In light of the trees matching my hair color I have chosen to take a hiatus from my eeyore like state and point out the few things that don’t change when you graduate college. I think my writing is having a similar effect on your dreams as watching Criminal Minds while I fall asleep does on mine. For like a split second you think you’re going to have a sex dream about Doctor Reid, but...
Advice to College Kids from a Recent Grad
I will continue to refer to myself as a recent grad, gripping the remains of college like a seventy-six-year-old woman’s wonder bra- ever combating the weights of change, until the day I am no longer carded. Use your free student gym membership. This is not me calling you fat. This is me saying you will get fat. You hear all about the Freshman 15 but no one tells you about the...
Where I've Been
The feeling of owing just under 1,000 strangers an explanation of my actives lately is a weird one- like the time I was tipsy off $5 dollar glasses of wine at the Lego store in Chicago. Lots of changes over the summer, which I hate. New apartment, new job, new glasses prescription, no more Lean Cuisines. I hate change. If I could wear the overall shorts I wore almost every day when I was six, I...
Anonymous asked: are you done blogging? :(
When my boyfriend texts me asking what he should get for lunch I’m all about it. It is exciting to me. It turns into twenty questions. I’m all like, “OoOh well what did you have yesterday? What are you in the mood for? What’s close to work? How much do you want to spend?” I like genuinely care what the fuck he is eating. That’s weird. If my friend was like...
I graduated in a class of 160 from an all girls private Catholic high school, and went on to a University of 24,000+ smartasses. Needless to say my transition didn’t quite mirror the pictures of Pottery Barn teens moving into their dorms; but I have only myself, and my wholehearted belief that everyone waited until marriage to have sex, to blame for that. In high school I complained when...
What Am I Doing With My Life?
Two words for you “trapped” college kids that count down the days to graduation on your iPhones. Graduating sucks. Also, you won’t be on your parent’s family plan much longer. There are no good reasons to leave college. I know that because I’ve been searching for reasons to justify passing all my classes. You thought the Common App was a bitch? Try making a list of...
Anonymous asked: What're your plans for after college?
I'm On a Diet, Kind Of
The “I will do anything to lose five pounds except eat less and exercise more” diet. I am trying to make a lifestyle change here people. It was easier to lose weight for spring break because there was an end in sight, but like the Bible says, man cannot live on 35 calorie bread, light mayo, and turkey, sandwiches alone. Needless to say I have put on a few pounds since spring break....
*Channing Tatum's ass flashes on screen while getting out of bed*
Theater of moms and tweens: WOHOOOO YEAHHH OW-OWWW
Only straight male in theater: HE'S MARRIED
Fight Like A Girl
Imma cut the witty joke I was gonna make about God making the girls’ ability to be passive aggressive on his day of rest, partially because I am kind of feeling this Smirnoff Ice, but mostly because that joke wasn’t going anywhere. If a dude is ever told he fights like a girl, that’s not an insult, it’s like being knighted by the queen of England. Haven’t women...
Won't Catch Me at The Club
I hate clubs and any place that refers to itself as a lounge. The word lounge carries implications of oversized sweatshirts, Harry Potter weekend, and not wearing a bra. Instead you end up at a place where students pass out test strips to make sure your $16 rum and diet coke isn’t roofied. I hate the wordless music that already sounds like the ringing in your ears from leaving a concert....
It's My Day Off
Usually I go to an air conditioned bar with wifi and play Sims all afternoon. Instead, I am making myself staying in my room, in my apartment so I don’t spend any money, because I got a Chase message my account is below $50 dollars. It’s because I got a pedicure yesterday. I don’t know why I even get them, they just tickle the entire time, and I have to watch old women talk...
I Am Not Ready For The Real World
Unless I were to actually be on the MTV Reality TV show “Real World,” (HAPPY BRYAN”.,!?<!) in which case I have neither the tits nor the fondness for men in tank tops to be ready for that either. So I have been thinking about my future a lot, nautral right? Having just graduated and all, and not knowing where the hell I will be in August when both my lease and event...
Ginger vs. Beer Tent
NOTE: I would have posted this yesterday but I was too hungover to finish. I could barely stay on my weight loss ball chair at work. Other note, should probably start wearing pants when sitting on said ball chair. I went to the beer tent of a polish festival / carny fair last night. Which is as equally terrifying as it sounds. Worry not sweet readers, I drank enough to forget what parents...
my friends are whores
T: I haven't gotten any action in five months.
Me: At all?
T: This guy went in to kiss my cheeks as the greeting thing and i misjudged and kissed him in the mouth. So that was good.
Me: In the mouth?
T: Oh and a guy on a moped grabbed my tit in Italy.
Anonymous asked: i was facebook sleuthing the other day and found a former booty call now in a relationship. i immediately thought of your post about being the girl before the relationship -- IT SUCKS, you don't like the guy but you feel bitter. anyways, you should keep posting. that was the point of my ask. xoxo, perpetually single michigan co-ed.
Single to Relationshitted Up
The transition from single to Facebook official has not been a smooth one, for me atleast. Besides his blackout antics of forgetting language and tendency to proclaim “No I will not have anal with you” when we pass groups of strangers during an otherwise silent walk from his house to my own, that kid sure knows what he is doing to make a girl feel special. I mean what girl...
Times I Don't Want My Boyfriend to See Me
When I have gotten out of the shower. Sometimes I wish I was a dude just so I could get that many mintues of my life back that I lose while showering as a female. Brb moving to France. Instead of taking a series of fifteen minute showers throughout the week, I like to take 45 minute ones a few (like once) a week. I have one of those as see on TV Turbie Twist hair towels with the little bit of...
Feel confident that you didn’t fuck up your life by being an art major....– At the beginning of senior year my professor had us each write letters to ourselves describing what we wanted to accomplish in our final year of undergrad. Luckily they didn’t read them.
Pratice Safe Stalking
The only people girls creep on more than the Harvard baseball team after their cover of “Call Me Maybe” are their exs’ current flames / flings / whatever. Of course we go through all the double polo popped collar pictures of your exs, but we can’t blame you for that, you hadn’t met us yet, the loves of your lives. That doesn’t mean we won’t pick an...
Anonymous asked: You said more posts post graduation. You've graduated, so get over it and occupy my work hours with reading your nonsense!
So I Graduated...
One of these things is not like the other. …with a BFA and a boyfriend. If only my bra size were a B I could think of some witty boob joke about how they are all related. My dad informed me that BFA actually stands for “big fucking asshole.” So I guess there could be some correlation between the first two items on my B list that I actually have; as for the last I will continue...
Guys and girls can be friends, as long as one of them is sober enough to say...– My friend Juli
Things I Forgot About Being in a Relationship
How long do I have to wear make-up around you? Save me the crap about liking a natural look, even that takes forever and whatever guy says that is probably lying. I am not saying you have to look like some Pintrest stripper eye make-up all my friends put under “my look” (weird, I have literally never seen you wear any of that), but a little mascara goes a long way. The bathroom...
How I imagine the girl who drives the Walk of...
whatshouldwecallmichigan: Oh man there is a gif about me. Score.
2 Club Baseball Players Discuss Relationships
Boy 1: Yo, is your girl here?
Boy 2: Yup
Boy 1: Is she sitting alone in the rain?
Boy 2: Yup
Boy 1: You gonna go talk to her?
Boy 2: Nope
And here I thought middle school was over. Silly me.
Anonymous asked: I would do you in a second.
The Worst Feeling In the World
Obviously I ate it all anyway. When I am trying to decide between two different things for dinner, and I pick the wrong one. Now I am sitting here eating Panda Express pretending it’s a chicken ceasar salad, which is what I should have gotten in the first fucking place. This sweet fire chicken just tastes like e coli fried in overpriced regret. Also resisting the urge to smack every...
Anonymous asked: Please post more!!!! I love everything you have to say! :)
First Things I Notice About a Guy
That’s basically a nice way of saying, superficial qualities for which I am judging the shit out of you. If you’re one of those people that’s riding your high horse down a sandy beach all slow motion like “oh, I don’t judge anyone, I am too busy writing a series of haikus about inner beauty” - I hope a large wave crushes you (but not your horse, I always hate it...
Pictures You Take, That I Hate
Just because you are in possession of a digital camera does not make you a professional photographer. Stop posting albums titled “photography,” made up of poorly photoshopped pictures of your friends with eyeliner swirls coming out of their eyes, and song lyrics as the caption. You are an upper middle class American citizen, you are not deep- you are sixteen and in possession of a...
I Have a Concussion
My little sister: Mom told me to hold your nose while you were sleeping yesterday.
Me: Why? Was I snoring?
My little sister: No, we just couldn't tell if you were alive or not.