Seeking: Friends With Benefits
There’s a 90% chance I don’t have health insurance right now. Seriously considering marrying someone with a solid dental and vision plan. See, I left my receptionist job in June so I could have the summer to shoot “Walk of Shame Shuttle” for Vh1. We aren’t filming 24/7 though, so right now I have some time off between cities. It’s kind of like being home sick with the flu, but instead of sleeping all day and puking my brains out, I’m sleeping all day and just bored out of my mind. I’m trying super hard to keep myself entertained, 5-year-old style complete with paint by numbers and invisible friends, but it’s harder than a dick in the red light district. I’m lingering in Ann Arbor like a chick waiting to see if her one-night-stand will make her pancakes.
The only thing I’m missing from being a TLC special about those 500-pound people that can’t leave their house is the weight part. I haven’t worn an actual bra with straps on it about two weeks, I moved my mattress into the living room where I take all my meals, and I’ve stopped wearing clothes so I don’t have to do laundry. I’ll just throw a sheet over myself, I’m seriously a toe tag away from being a body double for CSI.
Currently I’m working on a Home Tour of Movie Stars in Ann Arbor, only instead of Movie Stars it’s houses with cats, and instead of people coming to the tour, it’s just myself and a water bottle of vodka mixed with tears.
I totally understand why Lizzie on Real Housewives of Orange County has a swimwear line and why Lynn, from like 5 seasons ago, spent her days gluing rhinestones to cuffs and selling them for $169. With each passing day a sustainable swimwear line for cats sounds better and better. Direct message me to get in on this new business venture at the ground floor.
I don’t want anyone to come over because I’m afraid if I sneeze in their general direction they will catch my unemployment. After I watch too many episodes of Law and Order in one sitting I’m afraid to leave my apartment. Like I’ll get mugged for my Nike’s and end up in the hospital with a $3,000 bill I can’t pay. I stopped caring for Canada after I turned 21 (you can drink there at 18) but this free healthcare shit would really take a load off. My future child’s inability to run for president is a small price to pay compared to a free epidural.
Hopefully I’ll be filming again soon because the most productive thing I have done today is refill my Brita water pitcher and my anticipation level to do it again in a couple hours is alarmingly high.