I have this future version of me, in my head, and it’s not about the kind of career I want, but more the way I want to look “working.” I imagine myself as one of those girls who wears broaches without looking matronly, has time to eat salad seated in iron cast patio furniture, and drinks Starbucks all day without getting caffeine shakes or pooping every hour. I feel like I am good at alot of things, but not great at one thing.
TMZ Reporter – In case you never wrote a book report, or your parents wrote them for you ( I see you Annette), and therefore you have no concept of what an “overarching theme” is, a repeating trend of my writing is, more or less, stalking. Whether it be my friend’s Tinder match whose back is featured in a UPS commercial, or those Gap skimmer jeans I need on my body more than a whale needs blubber (also known as Christina Aguilera), I am good at finding shit. If anything I am overqualified to harass B-listers in airports after many winters of accusing strangers of having herpes in outdoor bar lines.
Kate Spade Print Designer – How hard can it be to draw some polka dots? Trace a fucking quarter. If an 11-year-old with a YouTube channel and a front row seat at NY Fashion Week decides polka dots are not in this season, pick something else children enjoy and make a print of that, like bows or ice cream cones. If it’s a job that sounds like I can do drunk, it’s a job I want.
Columnist/ Author/ Writer- Is it possible to get paid to write anymore? At one end of the spectrum we have writing for the Times, and at the opposite end we have the girl that writes the “What’s in Her Bag” for US Weekly; neither of which interest me. I don’t think I could ever write a book. I’d be too tempted to kill off every character I create and therefore unable to complete a series. Series are all that sells, i.e. Twilight, Gossip Girl, those murder mysteries my mom reads where each book starts with a letter of the alphabet… You should probably stop being an author when you have to make commercials to sell your books.
Movie Critic – Attending a private Catholic school for 12 years, and a single sex school for 4 of those years, I believe I possess the ability to backhanded compliment and make passive aggressive insults necessary to review any movie. For example, “While Alfred Hitchcock’s film ‘Birds’ is a psychological masterpiece, the only thing flighty about the otherwise visually stunning effects, was flaunting Tippi Hedren’s prematurely receding hairline.”
Executive Assistant- I could be the Anne Hathaway to your Meryl Streep. I already look better with bangs, and although my mouth to face ratio is also slightly off, it will never be a deciding factor if I deserve an Oscar (which I never will). There are only two problems with applying for executive assistant positions; they all require 5-7 years of prior executive assistant experience, and they all sound like they will either result in crippling substance abuse from years of taking daily pulls of your boss’s liquor stash, or an affair. The only person I would consider assisting executively would be Chelsea Handler. I believe she would at least encourage both end results, if not already making them job requirements.
Personal Trainer –Lol I have no idea how this got on here.
Basically my Big Fucking Asshole (BFA) is good for nothing. When my parents framed my diploma for Christmas I asked if they could return it for a Kate Spade wallet. Still waiting on that wallet. I now understand why so many girls have kids at 22. After dissecting the career boards for hours, well like fifteen minutes- but it felt like hours, getting knocked up sounds more appealing than lying to CEOs that look like my friends’ dads and telling them my greatest weakness is a well written piece of literature and anything I can super-size. Both of which are not true.