I GOT A TATTOO
In 6th grade I wanted a rose tattoo on my left ankle. I never participated in the spaghetti-strap-midiff-showing white trash chic days of the early 2000’s, so I don’t know how that thought came to be. Maybe I just watched Britney Spears in “Crossroads” fifteen too many times.
Fast forward 12 years (holy shit I was in 6th grade 12 years ago?! I still remember where my locker is) and now I have a “black pussy on my back.” Which was exactly how the tattoo artist phrased it once he finished. Not like cartoon rounded Halloween cat, it’s realistically portioned. If you Pintrest search “cat tattoos” the one I have is usually pretty close to the top. It’s a filled in black silhouette of a cat walking. I wonder if I am bad luck to everyone that walks behind me.
Why a cat? I grew up with cats, I’ve been surrounded by cats my entire life. Not in an aggressive hoarder way, just in a, I like them so much I cry every time I go to PetSmart, way. Don’t get me confused with being Katy Perry level cat crazy though. I don’t dress up like Bratz Doll pet. I’m about one degree lower at Taylor Swift level cat crazy where I treat them like people and demand they have to right to vote.
I got it on the left side of my back, two fingers below my bra strap. It’s perfect because my skin right there won’t stretch when I inevitably get knocked up for being so shitty at taking my bitch control pill, but I can still lean side to side and make the cat skinny or fat. When you put your hard over your head and lean to the side, you know how you get little back fat skin rolls? Think of those little rolls as Honey Boo Boo’s mom’s chin-neck mass. My cat tat rests perfectly on the outside of little skin hill. It doesn’t get smashed up in a valley.
I used to be anti-tattoos, but that’s because I was way too into watching MSCBC lock-up week. I called paper airplanes “kites” and developed an irrational fear that all tattoo ink was inclusive of urine from Russian inmates. I was also afraid of needles, but then I realized there were bigger issues in the world to worry about like making sure I got all 5 pieces of my 5 piece chicken nuggets.
Getting a tattoo was a very surreal experience. Similar to going to the dentist, the buzzing sound is what really gets the Jaws theme song going in your head. It was warm and vibrated too much to really hurt. There were brief moments of sharp stinging, similar to popping a back zit. But at the same time I have drawn on my arms with milky gel roller pens that hurt more than getting a tattoo.
Now I want another, of what I do not know. Everything I like as much as cats is food: ranch dressing, pineapple pizza, rice pilaf, mashed potatoes… and I don’t want my back looking like a takeout menu.